To stop this pain throbbing in my heart
for I have no more zest to continue this fight
If you're not beside me I might not survive."
These are just a few lines from a poem I wrote years ago when my first boyfriend died. Obviously I've moved on and I'm very much happy with my husband and son but that experience changed me. Heaven knows I have not been the same since that fateful day.
I started thinking about my ex when the one month old daughter of one of our tenants died a few days ago. The baby was just a day older than my baby Quino. Actually, I started thinking of my ex's mom. I think I can now understand her pain since I've become a mother. Loosing a child feels like loosing a piece of yourself. It's your own blood and flesh. I remember, on one of our conversations, she said that she can't help but blame and question God for taking her son. I was so shocked. She's one of the most religious persons I know and I cannot believe back then that she would say such things. Tragedies like my ex bf's freak accident can really break one's soul. I know that I was already on the edge of ending my life and I hated myself for even considering that. I didn't blame God but I was angry at myself and my ex. The truth is, I blamed him - my ex boyfriend, for being so stupid and childish.
He was just my boyfriend then but the pain was really unbearable. The feeling was almost surreal. I wanted to wake up from a nightmare but I can't. As I think now, what if it's my child? Argh! This gives me the creeps. I don't even want to think of that. Just thinking of the possibility brings me to tears and already breaking my heart. I hope I will never get to experience this.