Remembering...

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"In this black sultry night I want to end my life
To stop this pain throbbing in my heart
for I have no more zest to continue this fight
If you're not beside me I might not survive."

These are just a few lines from a poem I wrote years ago when my first boyfriend died. Obviously I've moved on and I'm very much happy with my husband and son but that experience changed me. Heaven knows I have not been the same since that fateful day.

I started thinking about my ex when the one month old daughter of one of our tenants died a few days ago. The baby was just a day older than my baby Quino. Actually, I started thinking of my ex's mom. I think I can now understand her pain since I've become a mother. Loosing a child feels like loosing a piece of yourself. It's your own blood and flesh. I remember, on one of our conversations, she said that she can't help but blame and question God for taking her son. I was so shocked. She's one of the most religious persons I know and I cannot believe back then that she would say such things. Tragedies like my ex bf's freak accident can really break one's soul. I know that I was already on the edge of ending my life and I hated myself for even considering that. I didn't blame God but I was angry at myself and my ex. The truth is, I blamed him - my ex boyfriend, for being so stupid and childish.

He was just my boyfriend then but the pain was really unbearable. The feeling was almost surreal. I wanted to wake up from a nightmare but I can't. As I think now, what if it's my child? Argh! This gives me the creeps. I don't even want to think of that. Just thinking of the possibility brings me to tears and already breaking my heart. I hope I will never get to experience this.

The Joys and Frustrations of Motherhood

It's been more than a week since I gave birth and everytime I look at my baby Quino, I still can't believe how blessed I am. Everyday, I give my thanks to God for giving us our bundle of joy.

Quino has been the center of attraction on both our families. My husband's family was excited to hold our baby since our arrival from the hospital. It's been too long since a baby came from their family. And my family? Well, it's my parent's first grandchild so you can just imagine the attention they're willing to give to my baby boy. My mama have been making plans already on what she'll do and buy for her grandchild once we move near their place. You see, before the year ends, we'll be moving to our own house my papa "gave" us, which is just 3 houses away from theirs.

Anyway, since I'm a first time mom and motherhood doesn't come with a manual, I've already experienced a few road blocks. No, I'm not bothered (yet) by the lack of sleep since working in a call center already deprives you of one. The first challenge is the crying; sometimes I just can't figure out what he wants. I end up cradling him all the time, which my husband now disapproves. Quino is getting used to this and he thinks I'm spoiling our baby. And right now, my husband and I are both bothered by the rashes he developed on both of his cheeks. Is it allergy? To what then? See picture below... His pedia advised us to use Cetaphil for now and come back to her clinic if rashes would worsen.

Finally, the most frustrating of them all is breastfeeding. Argh!! I hate that I don't produce enough milk for my baby! I feel worthless! Eversince I got pregnant, my mind was set to breastfeeding and it's so upsetting that he don't like to latch on me. I never got to let him latch for the first week of his existence. So now, he prefers being bottle fed. I'm guessing he's got nipple confusion because it has been a struggle for mother and son everytime I try to latch him on me. Well, I tried express feeding but manual pumps are too slow and also adds to my frustration. I can only produce 1 oz per day. I've been taking malunggay capsules and soups but that's just my daily milk production. I'm now trying on drinking herbal tea I brought from Healthy Options to see if it'll make any difference.

I envy the moms who were able to breastfeed their baby. If anyone has a suggestion or tips for this frustrated first time mom, feel free to comment since I'm sooo open and desperate for one. I'm paranoid that I won't be develop a bond with my newborn if I don't get to breastfeed him.