Remembering...

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"In this black sultry night I want to end my life
To stop this pain throbbing in my heart
for I have no more zest to continue this fight
If you're not beside me I might not survive."

These are just a few lines from a poem I wrote years ago when my first boyfriend died. Obviously I've moved on and I'm very much happy with my husband and son but that experience changed me. Heaven knows I have not been the same since that fateful day.

I started thinking about my ex when the one month old daughter of one of our tenants died a few days ago. The baby was just a day older than my baby Quino. Actually, I started thinking of my ex's mom. I think I can now understand her pain since I've become a mother. Loosing a child feels like loosing a piece of yourself. It's your own blood and flesh. I remember, on one of our conversations, she said that she can't help but blame and question God for taking her son. I was so shocked. She's one of the most religious persons I know and I cannot believe back then that she would say such things. Tragedies like my ex bf's freak accident can really break one's soul. I know that I was already on the edge of ending my life and I hated myself for even considering that. I didn't blame God but I was angry at myself and my ex. The truth is, I blamed him - my ex boyfriend, for being so stupid and childish.

He was just my boyfriend then but the pain was really unbearable. The feeling was almost surreal. I wanted to wake up from a nightmare but I can't. As I think now, what if it's my child? Argh! This gives me the creeps. I don't even want to think of that. Just thinking of the possibility brings me to tears and already breaking my heart. I hope I will never get to experience this.

The Joys and Frustrations of Motherhood

It's been more than a week since I gave birth and everytime I look at my baby Quino, I still can't believe how blessed I am. Everyday, I give my thanks to God for giving us our bundle of joy.

Quino has been the center of attraction on both our families. My husband's family was excited to hold our baby since our arrival from the hospital. It's been too long since a baby came from their family. And my family? Well, it's my parent's first grandchild so you can just imagine the attention they're willing to give to my baby boy. My mama have been making plans already on what she'll do and buy for her grandchild once we move near their place. You see, before the year ends, we'll be moving to our own house my papa "gave" us, which is just 3 houses away from theirs.

Anyway, since I'm a first time mom and motherhood doesn't come with a manual, I've already experienced a few road blocks. No, I'm not bothered (yet) by the lack of sleep since working in a call center already deprives you of one. The first challenge is the crying; sometimes I just can't figure out what he wants. I end up cradling him all the time, which my husband now disapproves. Quino is getting used to this and he thinks I'm spoiling our baby. And right now, my husband and I are both bothered by the rashes he developed on both of his cheeks. Is it allergy? To what then? See picture below... His pedia advised us to use Cetaphil for now and come back to her clinic if rashes would worsen.

Finally, the most frustrating of them all is breastfeeding. Argh!! I hate that I don't produce enough milk for my baby! I feel worthless! Eversince I got pregnant, my mind was set to breastfeeding and it's so upsetting that he don't like to latch on me. I never got to let him latch for the first week of his existence. So now, he prefers being bottle fed. I'm guessing he's got nipple confusion because it has been a struggle for mother and son everytime I try to latch him on me. Well, I tried express feeding but manual pumps are too slow and also adds to my frustration. I can only produce 1 oz per day. I've been taking malunggay capsules and soups but that's just my daily milk production. I'm now trying on drinking herbal tea I brought from Healthy Options to see if it'll make any difference.

I envy the moms who were able to breastfeed their baby. If anyone has a suggestion or tips for this frustrated first time mom, feel free to comment since I'm sooo open and desperate for one. I'm paranoid that I won't be develop a bond with my newborn if I don't get to breastfeed him.

A Labor Day Story

The long wait is over. I've waited 40 weeks and 1 day to finally see my baby boy! My Joaquin Inigo or Quino for short. Yes, I gave birth via NSD to a 6-pound baby boy last June 17, 2011 at 8:18 am.

To say that giving birth is painful and hard is an understatement, because it is! I started feeling the "real" contractions at about 11 PM on June 16 (my Estimated Delivery Date) and had the "this is it" feeling that I'll soon deliver my baby. My cervix was already 2 cm dilated for the last 2 weeks. We went to the hospital at 1 AM and they were able to confirm my contractions. At that time, I was already 4 cm dilated.

I fell asleep while in the labor room and the contractions were still pretty much tolerable. At about 6AM, with a 5 cm dilated cervix, my water bag broke. I was asked if I would like to get the epidural already, I said yes even if I can still take the pain. My OB said she normally advise her patients to get the epidural at the start of the active labor stage that's why I agreed. After an hour, the anesthesiologist still had not showed up. I was already crying since I can no longer bear the pain with a 7 cm dilated cervix. Maybe it's also because I was also having stomach pains due to hyperacidity. You see, my last meal was taken at 8 PM and I was already hungry.

Epidural finally was administered and I immediately fell asleep. I felt so sleepy and groggy. I just remembered that I was awaken by my OB instructing me on how to push the baby. I pushed four times and the baby was out. I remember thinking that I want to ask about the gender of the baby but I was too groggy and tired to do so. Good thing I heard that I had a baby boy and I thought that my instinct were correct. As they gave my son to me, I heard them say that it was the "unang yakap" and that I should kiss the baby. They didn't have to tell me that since I was already kissing and hugging my baby at the same time. It was pure bliss!

They are right, the pregnancy and labor pains will all be worth the joy of seeing your baby. I'm already teary eyed as I type the last sentence. I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions as I look at my husband holding our baby boy in his arms. I now believe in love at first sight.

Coming Down The Homestretch

Two to three weeks to go and we'll finally meet our baby! I really can't wait! My hospital bag is almost ready, baby's essential stuff are complete, baby clothes have been washed and ironed, bottles and pumps were sterilized and sealed... Hmmm, can't think of anything else I need to do. Any suggestions?

Anyway, I'm so happy that I was able to do all the things in my pregnancy checklist. Some of these stuff are what you can call "luxuries" or like what my husband would say "dagdag gastos." Among the list, my favorites and "must have" are the 3D ultrasound and maternity photoshoot. I've already posted our baby's 3D ultrasound so this time, I'll be sharing a few shots from my pictorial. After choosing from various studios like Picture Company and Blowup Babbies, I've decided to have it done at Stork Studio in Makati. I love their concepts! And I don't really mind if it's similar to their previous clients' shots since it really looked good all preggies, including me of course!

Goodbye My Britney

I just learned today that one of my beloved dogs, Britney, died yesterday. She was 8 years old. Pretty old for a dog. They didn't want to tell me the bad news; they plan to tell me about her death on Sunday, since they know I'll be home for fiesta. I don't want to dwell on how she died but she did lived a happy life - as happy as any lucky dog can be. She's sweeter than her mother, Bambi, my other dog. Sayang talaga. She never had a chance to play with my future baby, how sad. I can't do anything now but to cry. Britney should now be in animal heaven.. :(

A tribute to my sweet Britney:

October 24, 2002 - May 4, 2011